Rome the fifth

My last couple of days in Florence I dug out my Rome guidebook and started to freak out a little because it was thicker than the one that covered the whole of Florence and Tuscany. Behold my efficiency though, as I knocked off the whole south side of the city today. Er, that is, I mean to say, thoughtfully and introspectively explored it.

Although to be honest, in terms of attractions it's really the quieter side of the city. The northern part, by the station, is what could politely be referred to as the Emporia of Crap quarter, and the southern part was quite studenty.

Porta Maggiore. I was actually expecting something a bit more major. On reflection, the grandiosity of Rome is clearly having an effect on my sense of perspective.

San Giovanni in Laterano. I can't quite follow all the guff about its significance, but suffice it to say its kind of a big deal, the pope's home away from home or something. 

This is the front porch. If you look carefully you can see the pope's gumboots.

Only the pope is allowed to conduct mass from this altar. Because nobody wants pope cooties.

St Peter's all "Beep beep, I've got the keys to the jeep!" The photo makes it look small - it's probably twice life-size, and there are 11 of his mates lining the nave.

If for any reason the winner is unable to perform her duties she will be assumed into heaven.

I saw a reference to this, maybe in my guidebook, that said "Rome's only pyramid", as if to say "Rome only has one pyramid. That's weak. I eat more pyramids than that for breakfast." I say, anywhere that's not Egypt that has a pyramid not on a miniature golf course is doing pretty well.

The other thing Rome only has one of is islands. I was expecting it to be the home of the wealthy and fabulous, but really the main thing on it is a hospital. I guess back in the day islands were just a convenient place to shove the contagious.

I didn't find anything too exciting in my circumnavigation of the island, although parts of it were pretty nice. I did see what looked like a rolled up rug floating in the river, the work of Mafia hit men or lazy carpet layers.

Porticus Octaviae, built in honor of Octavia Minor. Her husband left her for Cleopatra, but I'm sure she was consoled by this gate. This is in the Ghetto, which is just like the everywhere else except the restaurants are kosher, the church is a synagogue, and I saw a yarmulke.

And some old-school Kodak signage for Bee.

Rome the fourth

I think the guy on the front desk is waaaaasted. Haha.

It being Sunday, it seemed apt to be relaxing in a park, so I headed to the Borghese Gardens, former backyard of the Borghese family and now a massive public park.

I took the Spanish Steps up to the gardens - that early they were mercifully free from the crowds that have engulfed them the last two times I've been past. And see those nuns? There are nuns on shore leave all over Rome, toting Nike backpacks and digital cameras. Who says the church isn't moving with the times?

Up in the gardens there are busts of famous Italians lining several avenues. I found Scipio Africanus, defeater of Hannibal and possessor of a head like a bongo, Niccolo Machiavelli, version leper, and Leonardo da Vinci, about to take a bath when the sculptor knocked at the door. 

Goethe, possibly sans pants.

Oh, the picturesque!

And again. I think this is a copy of an actual ancient ruin.

It's my boy Byron! Sadly missing one of his beautiful girlish hands.

I wound my way back from the gardens via the Trevi Fountain. This place is constantly swarming with people. I didn't throw any coins, because what if they're collected and distributed to causes I don't care for, like ending poverty and curing child cancer?

Santa Maria Maggiore. Maggiore in this case means "major", and when Rome calls something major you know it's serious. The place is huge, and appears even more so due to the fact that it's on its own block and not hemmed in by other buildings.

Sadly this blurred in the low light, but you can still see the altar of Triple H where people come to worship, in Santa Maria Maggiore.

I wasn't sure what "crollo" meant; I really hoped this translated as "Danger of Crullers".

Alas, no, it's "Danger of Collapse", and it's referring to the remains of the Baths of Trajan. If anyone ever discredits a movie about Ancient Rome because everyone is "too clean", yell facts at them about how many thousands of people these public baths could accommodate. 

Saint Chillin'. This is part of the tomb of Pope Julius II in San Pietro in Vincoli. The pope is seen here kicking it old school - literally, because apparently this reclining-style effigy is based on Etruscan tombs.

From the front door of San Pietro in Vincoli, just as it cleared up from an afternoon of rain. It was amusing to see that the instant it started raining the street vendors, who usually roam about with sunglasses or knockoff handbags, were all suddenly selling umbrellas. It was not so amusing that they all kept trying to sell me an umbrella. Even though I was already holding one. Sheesh.

Rome the third

Today I weave-weave-weave-weaved like a Tux Wonder Dog through the areas my guidebook calls Piazza della Rotunda, Piazza Navona and Campo de Fiori.

Fontana di Tritone. I was all "Yeah, water features make this guy thirsty too!" but it turns out he's blowing a conch. Stupid Wikipedia, ruining everything with facts.

Column of Marcus O-rly-us, Roman emperor and surprised owl.

When I was younger I used to think that Jesuits were evil and possibly fictional, because I'd only heard of them from a copy of The Exorcist I came across (note: do not let your young children come across a copy of The Exorcist). I'm still not sure what their deal is, but it turns out they're real, and they give good church. There are some very trippy optical illusions going on with the ceiling fresco - you can see at the top it looks like the people are reaching out over the edge of the dome.

Lazy obelisk riding an elephant.

The Pantheon. Almost 2000 years old, and still just sitting there the same as it ever was. Think about that and hear your brain explode.

Inside, looking up to the oculus. Apparently it's the world's largest unreinforced concrete dome. If I'd known that at the time I would have made sure my affairs were in order before going in.

This is Fontana dei Quattro Fiumi in Piazza Navona. Each of the figures on the fountain represents a famous river, and Ganges here is my favourite.

Via Giulia, conceived and punched through Rome by Pope Julius II to make himself feel useful.

Of all the things this could be, I bet nobody had money on 'the Hungarian Academy of Rome'. It looks lovely and I want to live there, but faking my way in is not an option as I just realised the amount of stuff I know about Hungary is actually zero.

My favourite spot I've come across so far, Piazza della Pace.

Rome the second

Happy Ancient Rome Day to all! I'd like to add a disclaimer that some of the old junk might be mislabelled - I was having uneven ground+swarms of school children+is this plan even up the right way issues.

Heh, this is what happens when you glance up from the map you're using to find the Colosseum.

But first onto the Palatine Hill. I believe this to be the Palace of Septimius Severus, so it's unsurprising that I went about saying "Potter!"

There's random artefacts laying about everywhere like so many incapacitated drunks.

Real live archaeology! There was a woman on the site throwing every single loose rock into a bucket, I guess to take them away for analysis and determine which are historically significant and which are, you know, rocks.

Forum west; Forum east.

Arch of Titus, conquerer of Jerusalem. And baker of people into pies, if Shakespeare is to be believed. Which he isn't.

Squee! Stereotypical Roman ruins. Temple of Vesta and Temple of Castor & Pollux.

House of the Vestal Virgins. Like the House of the Rising Sun, except pretty much exactly the opposite.

Arch of Septimius Severus. Potter!

Ah, yes, back to the Colosseum. Awesomely the one ticket gets you into the Palatine, the Forum and the Colosseum, and if you're smart, or the victim of a happy accident like me, you get your ticket at the much quieter Palatine entrance.

Inside the Colosseum. Oddly, it seems much smaller inside than outside. I didn't stay for long because it made me feel kind of pukey with all the connotations of nasty death and Russell Crowe - not to mention the vomitoriums!

This is part of Trajan's Market, on the road between the Palatine and Capitol hills. It's where the dole used to be distributed in Trajan's day, only, in an effort to prevent it being spent on KFC Double Downs and Sky Digital, it was paid in corn.

Into newer Rome now. Il Vittoriano again. I really cannot get over the overblownism of this thing. Also, see those two people sitting there? If you do that a guard will come along and blow his whistle at you. Unless he was trying to start a rave...

View up to, and down from the aptly named Santa Maria in Aracoeli, Saint Mary of the Altar in the Sky. According to my guidebook there's a superstition that if you walk up the steps on your knees you'll win the national lottery. Congratulations, you can afford knee surgery!

Inside. It's chandelierious - not sure what that's about.

This is the ceiling. It hurts my neck even looking at the photo.

Look Bee! Stained glass bees! Quick, lick them! 

View up to, and down to, the Piazza del Campidoglio. Designed by Michelangelo, don't you know. Because that's how he rolled, with a finger in every pie. And lots of piazzas.

Ah, the long-awaited Kill Bill/American Pie crossover. "This one time at Pai Mei camp..."